Of Tolkien, Hobbits and Myth

J.R.R. Tolkien has been back in the news somewhat. Apparently, Christopher Tolkien has edited a new set of writings to further honor (cash in on) his father's memory. Since J.R.R. Tolkien passed away back in 1973, he's published more posthumously than most authors have done during full lifetimes. Still, one must be grateful that this current book apparently won't be a rehash of Middle-Earth notes in the margin, doodles and scribbles. The Legend of Sigurd & Gudrun will appeal to the hermit-like, stodgy linguist in all of us. Elizabeth Hand of the Washington Post sums it up as follows:

The two poems, "The Lay of the Volsungs" and "The Lay of Gudrun," are modern English treatments of legends drawn from the Old Norse Poetic Edda and the Icelandic Volsunga Saga, dating roughly from the 13th century. Readers might be familiar with these tales from casual readings in Norse myth or from Wagner's "Ring" Cycle, which drew on the same source material: There are magic rings, warrior maidens, dragons, doomed lovers, betrayals and much head-cleaving.

For some, this description sound terribly boring and stunningly exciting at the same time. As for those of us who have grown up with Tolkien, loved everything from Farmer Giles of Ham to the Lays of Beleriand, we'll probably end up getting it anyway. It will be one of those books that many will buy, few will read all the way through. Those who will read the book thoroughly will either be those genuinely interested in the scholarship of Nordic saga and the connection between Tolkien's creative impulse to produce his seminal Middle-Earth chronicles and the history of the English language as a whole, or this guy on the right.



Meanwhile, in the realm of anti-magic, scientists are still debating the nature of these smaller humanoids dubbed "hobbits", though judging by the image, they don't resemble the pudgy little Edwardian country squires from Tolkien's books. National Geographic goes in-depth with an article about the possible foot-speed of these little men whose remains were first found on the Indonesian island of Flores.

Apparently, they may have been poor runners with an odd gait. No word if these "hobbits" were chain-smoking alcoholics whose males were unusually intimate with each other.

The View "Debates" Evolution

Can anyone think of a less qualified group of people to do justice to a public debate on the subject of Evolution versus Intelligent Design? For that matter, why do we still have this ridiculous debate at all?

So, from what I saw posted on the Huffington Post, the always shrill Joy Behar takes on Sherri Shepherd and Elizabeth Hasselbeck (together, the living proof that ignorance and outright stupidity is not determined by skin color). They all yell and yell and yell, and somewhere, I realize, fissures in space-time are opening up due to the dissonant racket. Perhaps the Bible-thumping ladies of the View were just trying to do their very best to bring about the Rapture or something. In this fracas, Joy Behar was the harpied voice of reason, either unwilling to bring together the easier salient points to stymie her so-called opponents or unable because she's not that into science herself.

Here's an example of how to insult a fundamentalist blonde (or black chick for that matter): Evolutionary Biology is science reinforced by observable phenomena and lab experiments, and Creationism is Religion, a thing that requires belief without any kind of proof. Arguing that Creationism undercuts Evolutionary Biology is like saying Math doesn't work because my Leprechaun told me so. You can't prove my Leprechaun doesn't exist, thus you must abandon your reasoned and rational approach to science and give equal air time to my stories about little green men and their pots of gold.

By all means, teach creation stories and myths in school...as a social studies class. And don't forget to give equal time to all the creation stories still believed today by Hindus, Buddhists, Pagans, etc. Also, make sure you can fund this despite the funding crunch in which many schools find themselves.

Oh, and here's how the Earth truly came to be:

Ham Heroics

I believe I had issue #1 of "Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham" when I was growing up. In fact, I think I remember purchasing it in violation of solemn oath to stop buying comic books during Lent. It was only a couple of days into the 40, so obviously, I didn't have what you would call "willpower" back then.

All this came rushing back to me because of a Facebook status update in which I wrote that my "piggy sense is tingling" in response to the WHO upgrading their "threat level" to "pandemic eminent". We surely could use your radioactive spider-enriched pork powers now, Spider-Ham!

And yes, that is "Ducktor Doom" on the cover as the villain. The series was all about a terrible (yet funny) play on the names of the standard roster of comic book characters in the Marvel publishing universe. I think the biggest stretch that I can recall was the "Punfisher".

Accessorize

SARS was a watershed moment for the globe when a true outbreak of a fast moving, viral nature truly pushed the boundaries of "shock & awe" reporting in the 24 hour news cycle. But, there were other innovations from that dark time not so long ago, that have truly added to the betterment of mankind and pushed us forward ever closer to the perfection of our species.

Art and Public Health melded together in a perfect harmony, the 'Get Well Soon' mask from Studio Samira Boon delicately states "I'm also carrying a Hello Kitty backpack" and "I never thought Sailor Moon was a creepy show". Currently, the pig snout pattern will, of course, be a top seller, noting that the virus making the rounds comes from "swine" or as some Israeli official tried to put it, to stave off political incorrectness and perceived offensiveness, "Mexicans".

Now hold on, you might say! What if there are other mutant viruses and bugs that jump from other varieties of Earthican fauna? Well, Samira Boon has got you covered...literally of course. Behold:

Baby Seals revenging themselves upon us by spewing some deadly pathogen at billy club wielding hunters could, and probably has, happened. Protect yourself and your arctic dwelling compatriots with sophistication and irony!

Lamb chops may never be the same again when apocalyptic death rises from the woolly flocks clustered about our precious green heaths and heathers. Go on the defensive against the most placid, fluffy killing machine on God's green Earth!

Remember, the swine flu may pass, but it doesn't hurt to have a few designer face masks around should any other thing accidentally try to murder us with their germs.

Greatest Entertainment Concept EVER!

Mr. T + Will Wright vs. Nazis = AWESOME.

In perhaps the most amazing use of technology to create entertainment based on licensed material, Zootfly has come up with the concept for the ages. A video game starring Mr. T, the iconic tough guy of the 80's who made me believe that adding aluminum siding to a van would make it bullet proof and to be very careful of anyone offering me a free cheeseburger, is being developed by the a company that kinda flubbed an earlier Ghostbusters project. But, if at first you don't succeed...go with:

The first game will see Mr. T take on Nazis and their gigantic machines in the varied universe of South American rain forests, lost ancient cities, industrial complexes and contemporary military installations.

Along with Mr. T and other characters from the graphic novel, the game will feature non other than Will Wright. In this universe, Will Wright is not a top-notch game designer but a top-notch American geneticist who was kidnapped and coerced to work on a diabolic plan. Mr. T and Will Wright will join forces to annihilate the Nazis and their hardware.

The important elements to take from this description:

a. FIRST game

b. gigantic Nazi machines in jungles and lost ruins

c. Will Wright, creator of the Sims, as a game character

d. GRAPHIC NOVEL

e. Annihilate "the Nazis and their hardware"!!!!

This game will make me believe in humanity again...also, the logo is super cool.

iPhone abuse

I think I may have figured out how Apple decides which apps get through the selection process and get posted to the app store.

This was clarified, of course, by the recent controversy over the "Baby Shaker App" somehow making it into the iPhone's app store before being removed in a storm of protest. This title should have set off alarms for who- or whatever is handling vetting process since it's on par with naming something "Child Abuse: The Game" or "Daddy Had to Tell Mommy Twice". So, clearly, actually allowing an app that lets you shake a screaming baby until it shuts up and has x's over its eyes pretty much convinces me that the app store is being blasted across the alkali flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated...well, you get the picture.

Perusing this graveyard of iPhone apps further convinces me that puppies playing in a field likely could be how Apple is going about vetting these programs. Somehow, an app called "Slasher", a rejected app, showed a picture of a knife and emitted a scream when you shook the iPhone. This was deemed objectionable and was rejected, but shaking a baby to unconsciousness or death was somehow okay. Stupid puppies.

In any case, I wonder what the chances would be for an app called "Baby Maker". We can all dream.

Earth 2.0 Day

Why bother with celebrating Earth Day? Once we find a suitable replacement, we can chuck this one in the bin and kick back in our brand new, upgraded accomodations on Earth v.2.0 Gliese 581e (Patch 2.1.0 forthcoming). Sure there will be some glitches with the new model: no infrastructure, possible alien (and deadly) microbes...maybe even flora and fauna, the occasionally unpredictable and catastrophic weather pattern, lack of enough Heroic Dungeons and Raids, etc., but the patch should make it eventually playable...except it'll nerf hunters for some reason. Where was I? Oh yeah, why save Earth when you can buy another one?

Oh, I see...it's actually not suitable for flammable objects like human skin. I guess I should take the cans and bottles out to the curb *sigh*.

Prof. Hawking is Getting Better

Hooray!

When I hear about Schroedinger's cat, I reach for my gun." -- Stephen Hawking

The bad assery of Stephen Hawking will continue after this break.

CNBC: Making Stuff Up as We Go Along

Apparently CNBC knows as much about computing technology as they know about finance. Now keep in mind, I don't really give a crap about one massive conglomerate fighting another conglomerate for our dollars as long as they provide products that generally work for the money I pay. However, do we really need these talking heads, who think iLife is magic performed by the space gods, telling us what they think about computers?



Just to compare, my current gaming laptop, Gateway FX P-7805u from Best Buy, has similar specs to Apple's MacBook Pro 17-inch laptop. The MacBook comes with iLife which is pretty great for basic multimedia editing needs, and the PC Laptop plays high-end games, so different strokes, etc. Now, if you add the mysterious $600 Jim Goldman talks about in applications to my Gateway, it still only comes to about $1,750 retail (keep in mind, I have a good chunk of the kinds of software he talks about in the video clip, and seriously? Geek Squad? If I call them I lose my Nerd membership card). The MacBook Pro? It's a robust $2,799! About a grand more so I can organize pictures of my boring, unimportant life? Um, yeah...I should pick up AIG stock while I'm at it. Also, 4x the battery life for a Mac? If I were to run a video drain test it would last 12 hours, 4x the life of my laptop? All day??? It must be a nuclear freakin' reactor! Praise be! Apple has solved our energy problems! Suck it, OPEC!

Again, I don't dislike Macs. They're good machines (that break down more often than they lead you to believe...I did have an iMac once) If I had the dough, I'd own both a Mac and a PC. But, if I have to have one, well I like to play video games, I like to be a bit more frugal in these tough economic times and I like to tinker with my hardware and upgrade it to extend the life of my machine (a hidden cost of the 2 to 5 year life cycle got Macs that Goldman never figures into his presentation...my desktop PC that I built in 2003 is pretty robust, stable and still sees use for a variety of things six years later). I suppose if I wanted to look like some hipster from Williamsburg with a white, beveled-edge fetish, I'd buy a MacBook.

To put a fine point on the ridiculousness of this back and forth argument, here's the MST3K crew from way back in 1988.

Is Your Kid a Video-Game Addict?

Apparently about 8 or 9% of kids who play video games are "addicted". Is this likely true? Short answer: yes. Long answer: they're likely also foul-mouthed, homophobic, racist n00bs that camp your corpse in PVP.

The Washington Post reports that:

In what is described as the first nationally representative study in the United States on the subject, researcher Douglas Gentile of Iowa State University found that 8.5 percent of American youths ages 8 to 18 who play video games show multiple signs of behavioral addiction.

The study shows that kids will do what they want when they want and shirk things they don't want to do if their parents don't, y'know, parent. The answer to this addiction (unlike illicit drugs that do not require internet connections or power supply) is to unplug a device and house it in a secure area for reasonable periods of time. Apparently the only drawback to this tactic is a loud whining noise that will emanate from your child. This too can be extinguished with consistent punishment if the noise persists. Assure the addict that they will not "die" or be "uncool" for limiting play to 2 to 4 hours a day (at most).

TK-421, Why Aren't You at Your Post?

I love these displays of traditional art forms merged with new technologies. It's like a Leonardo Da Vinci sketch being hit by a Prius, but in a good way. Anyway, check out the Storm Trooper at the 2:40 mark in the video. As a deadly clone he would always follow the orders of the Galactic Empire, but deep inside his passion to play music was straining to burst forth!